I am indebted to Scott Forgey who inspired this conversation, and to
Charlene Afremow
who contributed material.
There are
times
when I've had to re-look at, re-think through, and even unravel and
start afresh notions I once
considered
to be paramount if not essential to living a good, decent (not to
mention
powerful
and
creative)
life. Take for example the notion of being in
integrity.
From a very young age which included many constructive years in the Cub
Scouts (I was a sixer in the 2nd Kenilworth pack) and then
in the Boy Scouts (I was a patrol leader in the 3rd Claremont
SACS
troop), I learned
integrity
was a matter of
keeping my word
- indeed, the first bastion of the ten-part Boy Scout law is "A scout
is trustworthy"
[keeps his promises].
Breaking my
word
/ breaking my promises was a bad thing (that's how I conceptualized it
in those days) to be avoided at all costs. That's what I knew back
then. And back then there were occasions (many of them actually) when I
didn't
keep my word
- or worse, couldn'tkeep my word
due to circumstances. The extent of my
mastery
of
integrity
in those days consisted of "I must
keep my word,
and woe betide me if I don't.".
I have a
friend
who became a monk. He renounced
sex
(and
money
and all other
worldly
things) and took a vow of lifelong celibacy. For many years he lived a
life of contemplation,
meditation,
worship, and
prayer.
Even as I admired his lifestyle, I knew I could never do what he did.
And then one day he got married! Just like that. The celibate monk
actually got married (who
wouldathunk?). Not only did he get married, but he also announced his
wife and he were expecting a baby. Their relationship was a
moving,
shining, beautiful example of what's possible between a man and a
woman. And it posed a
question
for me:
"What happened
to his
integrity
ie where is his
integrity,
now that he's broken a lifelong vow of celibacy?" - remember for me,
the essential element of
integrity
was
keeping one's word.
This much I knew: he was
committed
(to being celibate) once ... and then he wasn't
committed
any more ie he was
committeduntil he wasn't
committed
any more. We're never
committed
(which is to say
commitment
doesn't
show up)
in the past.
Commitment
doesn't
show up
in the
future.
We're only and always
committednow. And now is actually not one now but is rather
a series of nows (if you examine this assertion for
yourself, you'll see it's
true).
There's now ... and then there's now ... and
then there's now etc etc. It's new every now. So I could say he was
committed
to being celibate in the now in which he was
committed
to being celibate. But now it's a new now. And in this new
now, he's no longer
committed
to being celibate.
Hmmm ... I could almost buy into him breaking his
word
without anything being bad when I looked at it that way. He was
committed
in that now ... but he's not
committed
in this now. I'll buy that for a dollar. And yet it still
carried three strikes for me. The first strike is: whichever way I cut
it, he didn't
keep his word.
The second strike is: justifying the breaking of a
commitment
by saying "I was
committed
in that now but I'm not
committed
in this now" is a little too ... well ... flaky for me.
It's tantamount to saying "I discovered I was
committed
to being celibate in that now but in this now I've discovered I'm no
longer
committed.".
Wait! "... I've discovered I'm no longer
committed"???
I can use that to justify anything anytime I break my
word,
yes? Discovery isn't a platform for being
committed.
Where's his given
word
in the matter? Where's his taken
stand
in the matter? And the third strike is: I'm left totally unclear about
the
integrity
of his
commitment
if it's simply a function of the now in which he discovers he's
committed
(or not, as the case may be).
To cut to the chase ie so as not to belabor this any longer than is
necessary, I've resolved this for myself. I've resolved for myself
where breaking one's
word
has a place in
integrity
- and it does have a place in
integrity.
But I didn't
get it
until I
listenedWernerspeaking
it. I didn't
get it
until I
listenedWernerdemonstrating
that
keeping one's word
actually isn't a great yardstick for
integrity
(the first bastion of the Boy Scout law notwithstanding), and that it's
honoring one's word
which
works
well as a yardstick for
integrity.
Neither did I
get it
until I lost ie relinquished ie gave up all the bad I had wrapped
around breaking my
word.
It's waaay simpler than that, and "bad" only accentuates
the melodrama ie it only adds to the
soap opera
ie it only piles on the significance.
Consider
this: what it might all come down to is
who we are
is our
word.
And
honoring our word
as
who we are
may be as near a
dictionary-perfect
definition of
integrity
as there could ever be. So now the
question
is this: is my
friend,
the no longer lifelong celibate ex‑monk, out of
integrity
because he broke his vow? And the
answer
is no, not if he
honors his word.
Honoring your word
includes telling
the truth
when you break your
word.
Anyone who
plays
at a level even slightly higher than being small all the
time,
is bound to break their
word
more sooner than later. It's the
act
of a big person to promise big, and not be able to deliver
100% of the
time.
What's out of
integrity
is not never breaking your
word.
What's out of
integrity
is not telling
the truth
about it and not cleaning it up afterwards when you do.
My
friend,
the no longer celibate ex-monk, didn't simply change his
mind.
Neither did he suddenly discover he had become
un-committed.
And neither did he give his
word
in one now, and then in a new now didn't give his
word
again (ie neither did he not continue giving the
word
he gave in an earlier now). What he did was he broke his
word
- period. That's how you say it. He gave his
word.
Then he broke his
word.
No excuses. No whitewash. Just
straight talk.
There's no bad in that. It's just what he did. There's
no melodrama in it either (excuses just extend the melodrama). It ends
the
soap opera
(blaming the circumstances just prolongs the
soap opera).
All the significance around it goes away. He broke his
word.
That's
the truth.
That's
straight talk.
Gee! I hope you
get that
(it certainly took me a while to
get it).
So you broke your
word?
Or you couldn't
keep your word
because of the circumstances? Because you forgot? Or because you simply
flaked out? Or even (and I really want you to get
this) because you changed your
mind?
Big deal. Stop making yourself bad about it. Making yourself bad has
no
integrity.
You are your
word.
Honor your word.
You broke your
word?
Tell
the truth
about what you did, clean it up, and move on. That's how you stay in
integrity
when you break your
word.
That's how you maintain
integrity
in a new now, even if you broke your
word
or broke a promise or renounced a lifelong vow you made in an earlier
now.