There's a technology of transformation which can be leveraged in any situation to break through being upset and stuck.
No longer oppressive, any upset is transformed into a simple choice: choose to stay upset and stuck, or choose to move on. The choice is yours.
GET OFF IT
There are times to which any parent will attest when your children drive you cr-a-a-a-zy. It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter whether you're wrong or right There are times when their sole job in the world is to disagree with you - whether you agree with them or not.
"I agree with you.". "No you don't.". "OK, you're right. I don't.". "Yes you do.".
You can't win.
When my children graduated from Werner's work I was thrilled. I could share something potent from what each of them experienced. Instead I've chosen something my daughter Alexandra experienced, to represent what all three of them experienced. She was upset. I interpreted her as manipulating. I began to speak with her about it. I began to reason with her about it. Nothing I said worked. "Alexandra I agree with you.". "No you don't.". "OK, you're right. I don't.". "Yes you do." ... you know, she had it on automatic. I was going nowhere fast.
Then, almost as an afterthought, I turned on my heel, walked away, and left her alone with whatever was going on with her. It was actually hard for me not to stay entangled with her - I love her that much. The love between a father and a daughter is something fierce. Even entanglement may be worth being in, when it's with your own daughter. Yet now she was a graduate, so I bit my tongue and walked away from her. But not too far away. I walked into the living room where I could still hear her and, out of the corner of my eye, I could still see her ... even if I pretended I couldn't. This is what I saw:
She had her arms tightly crossed over her chest. She was in what I call a sulk. Her lips were pouted. Her brow was furrowed. She was talking to herself. This is what I heard:
"This isn't working for me. Whenever I get like this, I think I'll get something out of it - but I never do. I don't know why I stay in this mood. I want him to notice me. Yet even if he does notice me when I get like this, I'm still not happy. This doesn't work. This doesn't work for me. It should. But it doesn't.".
She went on and on and on talking to herself, posing scenarios, responding to herself, always coming up with the same conclusion: she expects a particular result which just doesn't happen. I listened and watched, literally spellbound, pretending I didn't see or hear her. Then my dear, precious, darling Alexandra threw up her hands and said to herself "This is not working for me. Why do I keep doing this to myself?". Had she been an older woman, you may have heard her adding "God‑damn it!". But she was a child so she said it in a way a child says it.
And then in front of my amazed eyes, she uncrossed her arms, lit up her face with a smile like all the neon in Las Vegas suddenly came on all at once, and she literally danced and skipped away from the corner of the wall against which she'd held herself captive. She smiled and she danced and she skipped and she skipped and she danced and she smiled. She barely noticed me standing there. Almost as an afterthought she looked over at me and ... smiling and dancing and skipping ... said offhandedly "Oh, Hi Daddy!".
Faced with the choice to stay on it or to get off it, my daughter Alexandra chose to get off it ... just ... like ... that. I submit we can all learn a lot from her.
BE WITH IT / CREATE IT / RE-CREATE IT
There are three approaches Werner speaks of, to being out of control.
First, you can be with being out of control when you're out of control. When you be with being out of control when you're out of control, you're in control.
Second, you can create being out of control when you're out of control. When you create being out of control when you're out of control, you're in control.
Third, you can re-create being out of control when you're out of control. When you re-create being out of control when you're out of control, you disappear being out of control, and you're in control.
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
If none of the above (dismantle the upset, get off it, be with it / create it / re-create it) work, consider it might just be possible this is as good as it gets. It might just be possible that other than this, there's no alternative. There's no way out. Things are the way they are and the way they aren't. This is "IT!" There's nothing to fix or change. There's no cure because this isn't a malaise.
Consider it might just be possible that regardless of what it looks like and feels like, this is as good as it gets. And this is what it looks like and feels like when it's as good as it gets.
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