I am indebted to Scott Palangi who inspired this conversation.
It's arguably the underlying principle of all
schools
of
self-defense.
It's also arguably the underlying principle of all forms of the martial
arts:
don't be where the blow lands. It's what
self-defense
and the martial
arts
come down to. It's what you learn in
self-defense
class. It's the goal of all martial
artists'
training:
don't be where the blow lands. Even more subtly, "Don't be where the
blow lands" can be applied to any potentially
reactivating
exchange or confrontation in life, as "Don't be where the
blow lands.". I've italicized the "be" for emphasis.
Speak
it that
way.
You'll
get
it.
<aside>
It's a given that the
moment
you
get
drawn in to meet the attack, you're in
trouble.
<un-aside>
A
friend
called me. She was in
tears.
The
sadness
in her
voice
conveyed to me she was hurting. She told me she was being bullied via
social
media
- cyber-bullied if you will. Having
nothing
pressing planned for the evening, I
invited
her over for a cup of
tea,
company, and
conversation
ie all the three "c"-s which cure a multitude of ills. She
showed up
about half an hour later. We sat on my garden chairs outside the
Cowboy Cottage
on the perimeter of the cattle pasture, a bag of carrots at our feet in
case the
horses
also
showed up
for a
visit,
sipping mugs of freshly brewed
South AfricanRooibostea("rooi" is the Afrikaanslanguageword
for "red"; "bos" means "bush"). Having calmed down and no
longer
upset,
she
began
telling me
what happened
between sips.
She
works
as a
self-employed
independent contractor. One day a week ago, she dropped in on (ie
cold called) one of her
clients
whose office she
happened
to be
driving
by. She had a
gift
for the
client
in her car. She'd been
intending
to
mail
it. Now, being in the area, she decided to deliver it and to express
her gratitude for their
businessrelationship
in person. It was a seemingly innocuous idea. But oh boy! That's not
the way
this unexpectedly
turned out.
Her
client
was rude, truculent, and abrasive, saying it was the height of
un-professionalism to drop in without an appointment. Hurt, and
yet maintaining her calm, she apologized for
showing up
without an appointment (it was
clear
it didn't
work
for her
client),
then left, thinking the unfortunate
affair,
while uncomfortable, was over. It was far from over.
During a routine appointment with another of her
clients
later in the week, that
client
took her aside, saying "I think you
should
see this", then showed her a page from a popular social
mediawebsite
on his smartphone.
She read it, and blanched. On it was a post from the
client
to whom she'd taken the
gift.
It shredded her professionalism, her
business
savvy, even her
common
sense. It appeared on nearly a hundred social
media
"walls"
of
businesses
in the same genre as hers. It was cruel, over-reaching, and
unnecessary. Even though anyone who read it
would
most likely
question
the poster rather than her, it was nonetheless unkind and hurtful
regardless of the fact she'd already apologized (a fact
the toxic post didn't mention). Many who received the post subsequently
responded to her
privately
saying they support her and
stand
by what she does for them and aren't swayed by this totally out of line
and off the
wall
(no pun intended) post which embarrassed them by including them in its
distribution list. Yet it was, after all, now out there in cyber-space,
marking her (so to
speak)
forever. The
client
who showed it to her
stood
silently as she read it, then said "I think it's crazy. But many people
will read it. So I thought you ought to know about it.". She agreed,
thanked him for bringing it to her
attention,
and shook his hand. Her
eyes
brimmed with
tears.
I didn't
speak
for a bit. I wanted her to be
clear
I
got it.
Then when I sensed her silently implied "Well? ...", I
said "Don't be where the blow lands" (it's something
Werner
once said to me, with
powerful
effect) - deadpan, totally monosyllabic, emphasizing "be". She replied
(naturally
enough) "What do you meanLaurence?".
The first thing I asked her to
consider
(I mean to really let in) is that given the mischief it
tried to make, the post clearly didn't mean a lot to, have much sway
over, or make any difference with the people who read it. If anything,
it may even have backfired, instead raising issues about the
appropriateness of the poster, while saying really nothing about
my friend
which
could
change her
clients'
already good impressions of her. Then I asked her to
consider
the possibility that the reception she
got
when she cold-called her
client
with her
gift,
had nothing to do with her whatsoever. What if her
client
just went off at her (so to
speak)
given an
upset
that had occurred before she even
got
there with which she had
nothing
to do? ie what if she just
happened
to arrive when it started
raining
(so to
speak),
and her
client's
outburst was (unbeknownst to her) brought on by the
rain?
Now that's always a tough one to
get
because we're so
attached
to people liking us and thinking well of us. But isn't it
the truth
that people like us, or they don't? and they think
whatever they think about us, or they don't? regardless of
what we're
attached
to, or not?
Then I asked her to
consider
how much of her distress was caused by her. I first explained
I'm neither blaming her nor
painting
her as a
victim.
Rather I suggested she
reacted
to the post in a
way
which, given her other
clients'
near total support of her, may have made her experience much worse than
it needed to be. I asked her to
consider
that what her cold-called
client
did
doesn't mean
anything,
and that she wasn't obligated to have any particular
reaction.
That's when I again suggested the possibility of taking the martial
artsstand,
and simply don't be where the blow lands. I've italicized
the "be" for emphasis.
Speak
it that
way.
You'll
get
it.
Be careful. It's an
analogy
for a
way
of being. And all
analogies
are iffy at best. Ultimately they allfail.
Worse, "Don't be where the blow lands" is not the
usual
thing to say in a situation like this when cyber-bullying and sympathy
are supposed to chase each other around the mulberry bush in equal
concentrations. It's certainly not
business as
usual
to suggest the best
action
to take is don't be where the blow lands, when the
naturalreaction
to being wronged is
getting
revenge and hitting back. But the
trouble
with those approaches is
getting
revenge and hitting back keep the incident in existence. That's
all I said. Then I sipped my Rooibos
tea,
and
waited.
At first she didn't say anything when I
stoppedspeaking.
Yet I
could
tell (ie I knew) she was
getting
it. As she simply
considered
it as a possibility, space was
opening
up for her to better allow the entire
incident
to
disappear
into the
past.
The color had come back into her cheeks. The
warmth
had returned around her
eyes
which I found endearing. All she did was nod slowly. Then she repeated
a few
times,
as if trying it on for size, "Don't be where the blow
lands, don't be where the blow lands.". And
then ... she
laughed
out loud (which I
interpreted
to mean she'd
rediscovered
her
source
of
power).
"That's very cool
Laurence,
very cool" she smiled.
Then she threw her head back and
laughed
some more.