Conversations For Transformation:
Essays Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard
Conversations For Transformation
Essays By Laurence Platt
Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard
And More
Freedom To Choose:
Freedom To Say No
Sonoma Mission Inn, Sonoma, California, USA
April 20, 2011
I am indebted to
Charlene Afremow
who inspired this conversation.
Recently on two occasions about a month apart, I was asked to make
financial donations. When I was asked to make the first donation, I
knew immediately I would say "Yes" given the cause. When I
was asked to make the second donation, I knew immediately I would say
"No" given the cause. There was no pressure with either
request. They were simply requests for donations, to which I was free
to choose "Yes" or "No".
Saying "Yes" to the first one was easy. And although I had just as much
freedom of choice with the second, I struggled to say "No".
Eventually I did say "No". I was clear it's what I was going to say. I
was clear it's what I wanted to say. Simple. Saying "No" was the
correct response. But it didn't go as easily as my "Yes" response -
that, plus I found myself thinking about my "No" response long after I
declined to donate, and I noticed I didn't give the first request and
my "Yes" response to it, a second thought.
It seems to me there's the "Yes I'll donate" which is a simple choice -
and then there's my pictures behind the "Yes I'll
donate.". What's behind the "Yes I'll donate" are my pictures of how I
see myself as a "Yes", and how others see me as a "Yes".
<aside>
"How others see me as a 'Yes'" is better expressed as "How I
see others see me as a 'Yes'" since it's all what I make
up about others anyway.
<un-aside>
With the "Yes I'll donate", all my pictures of how I'm seen as a "Yes"
don't interfere.
On the other side of the same
coin
is "No I won't donate" which is also a simple choice. And then there's
what's behind the "No I won't donate.". What's behind the "No I won't
donate" are my pictures of how I see myself as a "No", and how others
see me as a "No". And with my "No I won't donate", all my pictures of
how I'm seen as a "No" interfere. I notice I'm more concerned about my
pictures of how I see myself as a "No", and how others' see me as a
"No" than I am about my pictures of how I see myself as a "Yes", and
how others see me as a "Yes".
"Yes" is easier for me than "No" not because of the choice itself but
because of what's behind the choice. I've noticed I'm not afraid of
what's behind the "Yes". I've noticed I'm afraid of what's behind the
"No". I don't mean "I'm afraid" like "I'm experiencing blind
terror.". I mean "I'm afraid" like "I just don't like it
there.". I mean it like I just don't want to go behind the
"No". Behind the "No" are my pictures of myself as a "No" - that's
for sure. But I prefer my pictures of myself as a
"Yes". It's not the "No" itself I struggle with. It's not the "No" I'm
afraid of. It's what's behind the "No". So although I made a "No"
choice declining to donate the second time, it wasn't a
powerful choice. And that's when I noticed with a kind of
an "Oh Wow! ..." that by the same token, my "Yes" choice
in agreeing to donate the first time, wasn't a powerful choice either -
even though I didn't struggle with it or fear it.
Through this I've discovered what a powerful choice is. It's when I
select freely after consideration (as
Werner Erhard may have
said).
That's a powerful choice. What diminishes my power to choose is when
I'm not free of what's behind my choice. When I refer to
what's behind my choice, I'm not referring to what's behind what I'm
choosing. I'm not referring to whether it's a worthwhile cause to
donate to or not. I'm referring to my pictures of how I see myself, and
how others see me as a "Yes" or as a "No". When they interfere, that's
when I can't select freely after consideration ... which
is to say I can decide but I can't choose
powerfully.
Long after I declined the second request to donate, I noticed the
space of the communication was still incomplete. Even
though the conversation was over, more still remained unsaid. I
realized I'd said "No" but I hadn't chosen
"No" powerfully. I went back to whom I declined to donate, and I
declined again, powerfully this time - not because I hadn't said "No"
earlier but because I hadn't chosen "No" earlier powerfully.
This time the space of the communication is complete. This time there's
no more to be said.