"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters
of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
... Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
"Life flows on within you and without you."
... The Beatles, Within You Without You
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I
thought
as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things."
I am indebted to Susan and Tyson Morgan who inspired this conversation
and contributed material.
I can't say with certainty the exact date and time when it happened.
But happen it did - maybe because of me or maybe in spite
of me. It was the point at which my children in addition to being my
children, became my friends as well. And it wasn't just an "either /
or" becoming. It wasn't that they became my friends some
times, then reverted to being my children at other times when they
weren't being my friends (clearly, once my children always my
children). It was rather a new realm of relationship we embarked on
together: from them being my children (only) ... to being my friends
also. It was the emergence of the new distinction "friends"
which could then co-exist along with our being family ie the emergence
of my children as my friends - in addition to our being family. And
look, don't misundertake me (you should get yourself totally clear
about this): sometimes children don't want to play at
being friends. It's their way of asserting ie their
push-back. If they're assertive, support them no matter what.
They're not negating your input. They're just testing its
boundaries.
Sometimes the distinction "friends" isn't always present for our
children. So as a distinction, it needs to be re-invented from time to
time. Otherwise it fades into the background (at least temporarily).
Just like the adult distinction "friends" fades into the background
from time to time (and mostly comes back, like re-igniting embers of a
campfire), so does the distinction "friends" ... who are also / just
happen to be my children. The fact is that almost always, children
don't forge friendships with their family in quite the same way as they
might forge friendships with other children, or in quite the same way
as adults forge new friendships with other adults. Children are more
interested in forging the path to adulthood ie in growing
up through family as a vehicle. For children, being
recognized as friends by their parents, is a checkpoint in
growing up ie in learning that they're worthy of respect and trust.
It's never a requirement.
When my children first emerged as my friends (and later
not as my friends ... and then as my friends again), it
became the primary interface between us when they were (and even when
they weren't). I began to realize it was a matter of their
pride and self-sufficiency that I allow them to manage their old
childish ways by themselves. Their old childish ways, the ones I had
grown to love unconditionally, then became
inexorably
private for them and somewhat unreachable (appropriately) for me.
Instead, they led with their new "friends" suit. At first I was
unfamiliar
and awkward with following their new lead. Yet they had clearly
indicated to me they had reached a new level of
Self-expression
with which they neither required
my assistance
nor my guidance. At that time, some adjustment was required by all of
us. Life reminded us to allow our lives to turn out the way they turn
out, which they invariably do with us / in spite of us. It's life's
way of raising children. Don't
resist it.
People who
resist
life's way of raising children, have those banged up, bruised looks
upon them.
That's how I spent a series of nights at a family home on the shore of
a pristine lake in northern Michigan with a best friend of mine ie one
of my children. Bundled up against the biting, bracing chill by a
roaring log fire he'd built (in a stone firepit he'd also built), we
sipped Pabst Blue Ribbon, just shooting the breeze,
celebrating
our friendship. There's nothing quite like
celebrating
the passage of time for him from a baby then, to the adroit builder of
stone firepits and purveyor of fine brewski now. Jokes flew fast. Some
clever, some wicked. But they were not what was noteworthy about those
nights at the lake. What was noteworthy was the palpable genesis from
family to friendship, from managing a child to him running the show,
from being a senior to being an equal.