We were talking about taking a stand (for anything - the specifics were
not the point) and then later having second thoughts, and doubting that
you could sustain the enormity of what you said you stood for - and
standing for the end of
when there was no chance, zero, nada, zilch that it could or
would ever end, was an enormous stand to take. What if I gave my word
that apartheid would end just because I said so, then later
assuming it was hopeless ie that it could and would never end, took my
word (that it would end) back?
"Is it authentic for me, once I give my word, to ever take it back?". I
saw later I was actually inquiring into whether or not taking back my
word, could ever have integrity - but at the time, a
younger, naïve-er me spoke in terms of authenticity
instead (he got it anyway, so it worked ie it was
good enough for
This is how he responded to my question which for me, forever
disallowed that option from then on.
I don't know what your old life was like prior to the onset of the
but I can tell this: I don't want mine back. I don't want to live that
life ever again. An untransformed life is not worth living.