Conversations For Transformation: Essays Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard

Conversations For Transformation

Essays By Laurence Platt

Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard

And More


If You Make It Wrong, It's Hard To Let It Go

Platt Park, Denver, Colorado, USA

April 20, 2023

"God only creates what is." ... 
This essay, If You Make It Wrong, It's Hard To Let It Go, is the companion piece to Be At Home In Your Experience.

It is also the first in a trilogy written in Platt Park, April 2023: The trilogy written in Platt Park, April 2023 is the sequel to My Baby Girl, Now A Bride.

I've had ample raw material for this essay: I was in a relationship that was ending. To be clear, it was a relationship I didn't want to be ending. Yet ending it was, slipping away, slowly further and further out of my reach. And there wasn't much I could do about it. The rapids were inexorably sweeping me over the falls. There's the adage about relationship which is apropos here, asserting "It takes two to make a great relationship but only one to end one.". I struggled with that, powerless over its dictatorial gravity. It should not have been that way. I did not want  it to be that way. But it's true / c'est vrai:  it was that way.

Make no error. I've also ended relationships which my (then soon to be ex) partners didn't want me to. It's just that the raw material for this essay did not come from times when I was the end-er. It came from a time when I was the end-ee, when the relationship was ending, when I didn't want it to be ending. When a relationship ends and you are the unwilling end-ee, you are stuck with it if you do not complete it. Don't ask me why it is that way. It just is that way. It was ending, and I didn't want it to be ending. Yet even with that said, I knew I had to somehow get complete with it ending, or I'd be stuck with it.

This was my first shot at being complete with it ending: I compiled a list of ways I was better off  without it. That's childish, you may say. Even puerile. Yes, in retrospect I would agree with you. But that's what I did. At the time it was the best I could muster, a kind of "I'm better off without you anyway, so you ending our relationship is really a plus.". And it did give me some relief. There was just one teeny little problem with it: it gave me no freedom (it may have even made things worse). My first shot at it was to make her wrong. She yelled at her staff a lot. So I made that wrong. She was a party hound where I was a home-body. So I made that wrong. She wasn't a relaxed person. I made that wrong too. With that said, she had great qualities also. But the ones I made wrong were the other ones I wouldn't be around any more, so I used them to cast her ending our relationship as good for me ... at least that was the idea.

But like I said, the trouble with the "make her wrong so ending is a plus" approach was it gave me no freedom. It actually had the exact opposite effect. It stuck me deeper, nailed me to the wall. The more I made her wrong to complete our relationship ending, the more I got buried, the worse it got, the less complete I was. I was struggling. It took me a while (a long  while) but I finally figured it out: if I made her wrong, it would be hard to let her go. No, it was worse than that. It was: if I made her wrong, I couldn't  let her go. Sometimes we struggle to make things work the way we want them to work. Sometimes the best way to make things work is to surrender to them being the way they are. What a fool fights to be right about, the wise one surrenders graciously.

Look: I've no moral statement to make. It wasn't because it was the right  thing to do or a good  thing to do, but because (I started noticing) if I made her wrong, it became hard(er) to let her go. I noticed that's just the way it works. This isn't a debate. It's a purely positive proposition. So when the relationship ended, I could let it go. I didn't make her wrong - or at least I stopped making her wrong. And when I stopped, it wasn't hard to let her go. I could even experience love for her, a love that was out of my reach as the relationship was ending yet was always there from the get-go. And that's the raw material for this essay: if I made her wrong, I couldn't let her go (the specific) from where I distinguished "if you make it wrong, it's hard to let it go"  (the generalized).

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