I am indebted to Clare Erhard and to
Charlene Afremow
who inspired this conversation.
The thing about me being your friend (the thing about me being your
true friend) is it's what I offer to you. It's not what
you earn from me. I'm your friend not because you've earned my
friendship. I'm your friend because I say I'm your friend.
Gee! I hope you get that ...
Distinguishing friend as something offered rather than as something
earned, positions me as the
source
of friendship - and in so doing, also eliminates the
condition of friendship in short supply ie it eliminates the
scarcity of friends. If friends are scarce, make
more by offering more friendship! You're the
source
of friendship. Of that which you generate, there's always an endless
supply.
Offering friendship is a
linguistic act.
"I'm your friend!" offers friendship as it speaks it into
existence. When I say "I'm your friend!", I'm the
source
of the generosity of friendship. There's nothing you did
or have to do to earn it. Can you recall a time when you decided
someone earned your friendship? Friendship someone earned from you
isn't friendship you gave. Tell the truth about it: there's
nothing generous about us in the matter of someone earning our
friendship. Listen: some of the components of friendship are a
generosity of spirit, a generosity of sharing, a generosity of
listening, yes?
Widely given answers to
"Why
are you such good friends?" are "We've got a lot in
common" and "We share a lot of interests.". This essay,
Friend II,
however, doesn't pivot friendship on a seesaw of having shared
interests or not. Rather, it postulates true friendship purely as a
createdlinguistic act,
and depends far less than we allow for, on having a lot in common, on
sharing interests. But here's the thing (using the same vocabulary but
with a profoundly different perspective): what we
all have in common, what we all share is
who we really are.
What we all have in common, what we all share is
Self.
Now that'sinteresting
... and notice
who we really are
ie
Self
is already present, is already in common, is already shared prior to
all our declarations "I'm your friend!".
In this
context,
it's arguably the
presence
of the generosity of listening which distinguishes and makes true
friendship available. If we
observe
people around whom there appears to be no shortage of friends, I assert
you'll notice something in the quality of their listening, something in
the way they listen which allows people to
presence
themselves and be
who they really are
around them. In other
words,
to
create
a friend, be a friend. You can see this theme running
throughout
transformed
communication, such as in
Werner Erhard's
classic reinstatement of the correct indication of what makes some
people
interesting:
"Interesting people are
interested.".
Isn't that what really turns you on: having someone be
interested
in you? I mean really? By having "someone be
interested
in you", I simply mean someone listening you. Isn't that
what you want in a friend: that they're a listening for you? Isn't the
quality of someone's listening for you, the key factor in whether you
regard them as a friend, or not? Now, I'm not saying that's
unequivocally the truth (and it may be). Rather, I'm
posing it as an open question: isn't listening the real
essence of friend? And aren't you the one (the only one,
actually) who can ever truthfully say about yourself "I'm
listening!"?
Furthermore, isn't this the missing quality which brings forth
family as friends? Anyone who's been to a family gathering
with the entire extended clan present, knows only too well the
DNA, the shared flesh of family, even the bonds of marriage into
family aren't always enough by themselves for friendship to
flourish. Family listening for
who each other really is,
is easily recognized as what's missing. Once recognized as what's
missing, it can be reinstated - with dramatic results.
I had the occasion recently to sit down with two friends, one of whom
is a listening for me, the other of whom is family for me. Now
obviously the difference isn't that clear cut. The two
qualities aren't that separate. In fact, the two qualities actually
blur together. Both friends are a listening for me.
Both friends are family for me. Yet to say one of them is
a listening for me, and the other of them is family for me is
good enough for
jazz.
It makes the point by fleshing out two essential qualities present in
friend, neither of which are required from you for me to be your
friend. Remember, you don't have to earn friendship from me. I'm your
friend not because of something you earn: I'm your friend because I say
"I'm your friend!" - which is to say I'm listening you as
friend.
But it's more than that actually. It's when I speak "I'm your friend!",
it's when I listen you as friend in a
context
of
transformation,
I'm actually listening you as family.