Conversations For Transformation: Essays Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard

Conversations For Transformation

Essays By Laurence Platt

Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard

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Would You Rather Be Right Or Happy?

Artesa, Los Carneros Appellation, Napa Valley, California, USA

August 27, 2024

"I'd far rather be happy than right any day." ... Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

There's an attention-grabbing question (you could call it a "linguistic implement") which when deployed / wielded dispassionately by a coach or committed listener, has the uncanny ability to pierce through to the heart of the matter ie to cut to the chase when we're stuck in arguments / opinions that defend / justify the excuses / positions we've taken. At some time or other, we've all expressed our arguments / opinions about situations we've been in, absolutely sure our point of view is the enlightened one. It often comes with an unwanted side-effect: our well-intended arguments / opinions occur / are interpreted as mere arrogance. We're unheard, unappreciated, ungotten, frustrated. Things go from bad to worse fast (and the worser they get, the worser they get).

That question, that linguistic implement, the one which pierces through the arrogance, creating space in which to breathe, is: "Would you rather be right or happy?". That's correct: "Would you rather be right ... or happy?". I've watched people on a tear, desperately motor-mouthing their impassioned opinion / justification / position as if nothing will slow them, come to a complete jaw-dropped stop ie come to a total standstill when confronted with a dispassionate "Would you rather be right or happy?". And the thing about the "or" in the question "Would you rather be right or happy?" is that it's a mutually exclusive "or" - which means you can be one ... or you can be the other ... but you can't be both. You can be right ... or you can be happy ... but you can't be both.

<aside>

To be sure, the linguistic implement "Would you rather be right or happy?" is effectively deployed when being right isn't producing any satisfaction / joyfulness / peace. But it's not unbiased. And it does have an ulterior motive, which is: to bump the listener off of being "on it" (ie to have the listener "get off it" ie to get off being right) and nudge him towards being happy.

There's a method to this. Counter-intuitively, the question is not posed to distinguish two new evenly balanced choices: being right and / or being happy. It's leveraged. It's weighted. The coach / committed listener is up to something.

<un-aside>

There's no generosity in holding a position. There's no open-ness in justifying a point of view. Indeed, there's no magnanimity in having opinions. Part of what turns such positions / justifications / opinions into generous, open, magnanimous ones, is bravely recognizing and owning that they're formulated by our innate, automatic, survival (defense) mechanisms, so how can I take credit for generating that which (by its very nature) is automatically generated?

There's a certain mastery that goes with letting go of such positions / justifications / opinions - at least with letting go of our investments in such positions / justifications / opinions that allows for satisfaction, joyfulness, and peace - in a word, which allows for being happy without the tied-up-ness of maintaining a position. It's a simple choice: "Would you rather be right ... or happy?". Would you rather hold on to your positions / justifications / opinions and be right about them ... and not be happy? Or would you consider letting go of being invested in your positions / justifications / opinions, and just be happy instead?

Look: there's no done-deal answer to "Would you rather be right or happy?". This is a graduate conversation. Answer the question by selecting an answer freely and even-handedly, having considered all of its possible answers. Neither am I saying that being happy is the no-brainer choice over being right. In some situations, the smart way to be, is to be right - for example, when accuracy is paramount. And a sad ironworker's measurements aren't necessarily less accurate than a happy one's. What "Would you rather be right or happy?" is, is a linguistic implement couched as a question to provoke ("WAKE UP!") considering whether automatically opting for being right, always has the best outcome (spoiler alert: commonsense shows us clearly that it doesn't always).

You'll know that's a consideration you haven't made yet if, after unflinching scrutiny, you discern you've still got being right no matter what, on automatic.

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