"Without a transformation in 'what for
us human beings
it means to be
a human being',
we can explore and experiment with variations in our
thinking,
planning and
acting.
However, those variations in our
thinking,
planning and
acting
are limited to what is allowed within the boundaries of the context
established by our current notion of 'what for
us human beings
it means to be
a human being'."
...
"Miracles
are to come. With you I leave a remembrance of
miracles:they
are by somebody who can
love
and who shall be continually
reborn,a
human being;somebody
who said to those near him,when his
fingers
would not hold a brush 'tie it to my hand'--"
I am indebted to Beverley "Georgie Girl" Hedlund who inspired this
conversation.
It occurred to me not so long ago (and it's stayed with me ever since)
that I only know who I really am when I know who I really am. Yes that
may sound absurd and vapid and circuitous and self-referential. That's
because it is. But it's also
deadly serious.
It's no fortune cookie smart-talk. It's no bon mot, that.
When I don't know who I really am, and I say I'm committed to who I
really am (and in a broader sense, to who we all really are), then who
(or what) is it exactly that I'm committed to? And when I know who I
really am, and I say I'm committed to who I really am (and in a broader
sense, to who we all really are), then who (or what) is it exactly that
I am committed to? Substantively, the two have got to be commitments to
things of utterly different orders, yes?
This idea of being committed to who we really are when you know who you
really are, alters both
the game
and the ballpark of
Life itself
entirely, whereas you know what they say about being committed to who
we really are when you don't know who you really are? "It's more of
the same old same
old",
yes?
I shared
this insight with a group of my friends, one of whom asked me to
differentiate clearly between the two ie that
my writingthese Conversations For Transformation
essays
is
a reflection
of being committed to who we really are, when knowing who we really
are, and not merely being committed to who we really are, when not
knowing who we really are. The difference between the two is profound.
I said that I am (and that my life is
a reflection
of being) committed to the former, and that I'll continue to do this
until I stop doing it - to which she said "So you'll do
this until you don't want to do it any more?".
And I said "No I'll do this until I can't do it any
more.".
A Tale Of Two Commitments
"I don't want to", when it's about being committed to who we really are
when knowing who we really are, occurs /
shows up
in a different order of things, than "I can't". "I don't want to"
writethese Conversations For Transformation
essays
forever, is of a totally different order than "I can't"
write
them forever. The commitment in "I don't want to", occurs in a
different domain than "I can't". I contend that knowing who we really
are when being committed to who we really are, is a different order of
commitment than not knowing who we really are when being committed to
who we really are. The former has the rider "as long as I
can" on being committed to who we really are. "I don't want
to" doesn't occur in this domain. The latter has the rider "as long
as I want to or feel like" on being committed to who we
really are. Look at it like so: "I can't" honors being committed to who
we really are; "I don't want to" honors moi.
To be sure, we can express both at once. Here's how: "I'll be committed
to who we really are, as long as I want to be committed to who we
really are. And when I no longer want to be committed to who we really
are, then I'll say so.". But the purpose of this essay is not to
bring that particular distinction into
focus.
The purpose of this essay is to bring into
focus
the distinction of being committed to who we really are for as long as
we can be. That's distinct from being committed to who we
really are for as long as we want to be. The latter leaves
a kind of open back door, a covert escape route which then
allows us to tip-toe around the prospect of being fully committed.
That's mostly what occurs when we're committed to who we really are
when not knowing who we really are. It's the domain of "I don't want
to". And being committed to who we really are when knowing who we
really are, that's the domain of "I can't".
Commitment Beyond Wanting
I'll borrow from
e e
cummings
like so: when I can't hold a brush any more to
paintthese Conversations For Transformation,
then tie the brush to my hand. That's "I can't". "I don't want
to"'s got nothing to do with it. If it appears to, then it's that other
kind of commitment, the one that leaves a back door open.
