I am indebted to Barbara "Bobbie" Ractliffe Fairhead Coetzee who
inspired this conversation.
By the
time
I'd reached my teen years, I'd figured out (in
the way
that as teens, we figure everything out - or at least try to) that I
would be spending the rest of
my life
"getting
my
act
together". That's
the way
I
said
it back then, so I'm
re-creating
it that
way
now quite
deliberately.
That's what there was to
get
(or so I assumed). That's
the way
the
future
occurred for me then.
Today,
"gettingyour act
together" is an out-dated colloquialism. For starters, we've imposed a
lot more
rigor
on how we define our
"act"
today. It's no longer what was once loosely implied in
"getyour act
together". That
said,
once I
(quote
unquote)
got
my
act
together (which was the precursor to "once I made my
life work"),
two things became obvious: one, doing so was a lot less difficult than
it once seemed it would be; and two, it was accompanied by the sudden,
glaring, shocking realization "Now that I've
gotten
my
act
together ie now that I've made my
life work,
is this all there is?".
At about the same
time
as I realized, dumbfounded, "Wow! If this is all there is, it's
just ... not ...
worth
... all the effort", an even more galling
observation
arose: "Aside from a few
shared
affections along
the way,
does my having
gotten
my
act
together make any
god-damned
difference at all?" - which roughly translates to the
almost impossible to
get
my head around "Will my having lived and
died,
matter?",
the answer
to which was the even more dumbfounding: "Dude, are you
serious? You matter not a whit! You're not merely
insignificant: you're less than insignificant.".
Listen:
I want you to
get
that like a fact, not like some kind of
Self-degradation.
A billion is a thousand
million
ie 1,000,000,000 ie a one followed by nine zeroes. A
trillion is a
millionmillion
ie 1,000,000,000,000 ie a one followed by twelve zeroes. There are
one hundred billionstars
in our
galaxy
ie 100,000,000,000 ie a one followed by eleven zeroes. Coincidentally
there are also one hundred billion
galaxies
in
the universe.
If each of the one hundred billion
galaxies
have one hundred billion
stars
(which, on average, is quite likely), then the number of
stars
in
the universe
is ten billion trillion ie 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
ie a one followed by twenty two zeroes.
And now
listen
very carefully (I really want you to
get
this): you and I live on one tiny little
planet
orbiting just one ... of those ten ... billion ...
trillion ...
stars.
That
means
we're not merely insignificant, because if I
said
we're
in-significant,
I would be implying we've still
got
a teensy weensy bit of
significance
- although not much. No, what's
true
instead is we're not
significantat all.
Here's where it's so
easy
to
get
stuck: if you make it
mean
something that you're less than insignificant, you're likely
to
get
stuck. If you're less than insignificant, and you add to that
(borrowing from existentialism) that it's all
empty and meaningless,
the sludge of rising ennui is enough to
completely
suffocate your life. No kidding!