I am indebted to Bruce Miller who inspired this conversation.
"It's a quality of life issue" she insisted, describing a
critical
choice
she had to make (her description of it sounded like a lament).
When she
said
it was a critical
choice
she
(quote
unquote) had to make, she qualified that by adding it was
a
choice
she was forced to make.
The truth
is:
nothing
was forcing her to
choose
anything. Equally
true
was: it occurred for her that she was
being
forced to
choose.
Power
isn't altering
what happens.
Power
is altering
the waywhat happens,
occurs for you.
I could
see
the dilemma she was in. When you make a
choice,
it's
free
ie
choosing
is supposed to be a
free
act (indeed, the very act of
choosing
itself, is supposed to
free
... you ... up, yes?). What she was stuck in, was this: she
had to
choose.
It was worse than that. It was she was stuck in: if she didn't
choose,
the consequences would be worse than both the available bad
choices
she didn't like. And as for both her available bad
choices,
there wasn't even a
clear-cut
better bad
choice.
Choose,
or not
choose,
it was all the same issue. It was all what she was calling a quality of
life issue. And there was no
clear-cut
path to the quality of life for her.
"Try this on for size:" I ante'd, "it seems as if you're
looking
to make a
choice
ie to
get
the right
answer
which, when
gotten,
will give you quality of life. You have it that this
choice
will (or should) give you quality of life. You have it that this
choice
is a quality of life issue. But
listen:
it's all a quality of life issue. In terms of quality of
life, any
choice
(especially this one) is so far down the list of what
really
makes a difference,
as to be almost totally insignificant in the overall scheme of
things.".
A blank stare, an awkward silence ... then she
said
"I don't like this at all" plaintively, tacitly squirming.
"Well" I pushed further, "what is it about the quality of life issues
you like more ie what is it about the one you're angling for right now,
you know, the one you would like to have? What is it about
it?". There wasn't even the briefest of pauses. "I can be
with the
experiences
I prefer. I can be with the
experiences
I like. This one? I can't be with it" she blurted out
instantly,
authentically.
Jackpot! Now
listen
carefully: at any
moment
in
time,
the
perfect
frame of
mind
for you to be in, is the one you're in right now. More than that, at
any
moment
in
time,
the
perfectexperience
for you to be having, is the one you're having right now. It's not in
stopping,
changing,
fixing,
or altering your frame of
mind
or your
experience,
which brings (back) quality of life. It's in
being
with whatever's going on (it's critical to
get
the emphasis on
being
with whatever's going on) which brings (back) quality of life. Allow
that.
Experience
that. Take a
hold
of that
(thank you,
Werner!).
Embrace that. That's what will make you
free.
Quality of life goeswith (as
Alan Watts
may have
said)
what you can be with, not necessarily with what you'd
like or want to be
being
with. I
stood
in front of her, extending my arms straight out toward her, putting my
right hand on her left shoulder, and my left hand on her right
shoulder, bathing her in my smile: "Gee! I hope you
get
that. Do you?".
She
looked
back at me, unblinking, in silence. Then ... "Totally!" she
said,
after a
moment
or two's pause. It was that
moment
or two's pause, which told me she
got
it. Had she responded sooner, I would've had
reason
to doubt that she was telling
the truth.
She had to first take the
time
to
look
and
see
for herself. This stuff isn't tiddlywinks. It may be
simple, but it isn't always
easy.
Why it's
simple but not always
easy,
is it
runs
against so much of how we're thrown to be, about
being
with our
experience.
We're thrown that if we like it, then be with it. And if we don't like
it, then avoid it. That's how we're thrown, yes? You have to be
big
to be with what you don't like, as equally as you be with
what you do like. This is good
Zen:
take a
hold
of (be with) that which you can't be with. Don't avoid it. That will
make you
free.
